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Who’s On
First? By Abbott and Costello Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky
Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the
team. Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: Right, certainly do. Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names,
and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem,
they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and… Costello: His brother Daffy? Abbott: Daffy Dean. Costello: And their French cousin. Abbott: French? Costello: Goofe’. Abbott: Goofe’ Dean, oh I see! Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we
have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third. Costello: That’s what I want to find out. Abbott: I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know’s
on third. Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You going to be the coach too? Abbott: Yes. Costello: And you don’t know
the fellow’s names? Abbott: Well I should. Costello: Well then who is on first? Abbott: Yes. Costello: I mean the fellow’s name. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The first baseman. Abbott: Who! Costello: The guy playing first base. Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first! Abbott: That’s the man’s name. Costello: That’s whose name? Abbott: Yeah. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: That’s it. Costello: That’s who? Abbott: Yeah. (Pause) Costello: Look, you got a first baseman? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Who’s playing first? Abbott: That’s right. Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Abbott: Every dollar of it. Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first
base. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy that gets the money. Abbott: That’s it. Costello: Who gets the money on first base? Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Whose wife? Abbott: Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that? Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how
does he sign his name to the contract? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy. Abbott: Who. Costello: How does he sign it? Abbott: That’s how he signs it! Costello: Who? Abbott: Yes. (Pause) Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on
first base. Abbott: No, what’s on second base. Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second. Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: One base at a time! Abbott: Well don’t change the players around! Costello: I’m not changing nobody! Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. Costello: All I’m asking you, who’s the guy on first base?! Abbott: That’s right. Costello: Okay. Abbott: Alright. (Pause) Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?! Abbott: No, What is on second! Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second! Abbott: Who’s on first. Costello: I don’t know. Abbott: Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s
get back to first. Costello: Now how did I get on third base? Abbott: Well you mentioned his name. Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say’s
playing third? Abbott: No, Who’s playing first. Costello: What’s on first? Abbott: What’s on second. Costello: I don’t know. Abbott: He’s on third. Costello: There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and don’t
go off it? Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know? Costello: Now who’s playing third base?! Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base? Costello: What am I putting on third?! Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: You don’t want who on second?! Abbott: No, Who is on first. Costello: I don’t know! Both: Third base! (Pause) Costello: Look, you got outfield? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The left fielder’s name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I just thought I’d ask you. Abbott: Well I just thought I’d tell you. Costello: Then tell me who is playing left field. Abbott: Who is playing first. Costello: I’m not…Stay out of the infield! I want to know, what’s
the guy’s name in left field? Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second. Abbott: No, Who is on first. Costello: I don’t know. Both: Third base! (Pause) Costello: And left fielder’s name? Abbott: Why! Costello: Because. Abbott: No, he’s center field. Costello: (Fumbles
words loudly) Abbott: Well that’s the fellow’s name. Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The pitcher’s name? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You don’t want to tell me today? Abbott: I’m telling you then. Costello: Well go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching? Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on… Costello: I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first! I want to know,
what’s the pitcher’s name? Abbott: What’s on second! Costello: I don’t know! Both: Third base! (Pause) Costello: Got a catcher? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: The catcher’s name. Abbott: Today. Costello: Today? And tomorrow’s pitching? Abbott: Now you’ve got it. Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, I’m a
catcher too. Abbott: So they tell me. Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow’s
pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being
a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and
throw it to who? Abbott: Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said right. Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! Abbott: Well that’s all you have to do! Costello: Is throw the ball to first base? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Now who’s got it? Abbott: Naturally. (Pause) Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s got to get it.
Now who has it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Naturally? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally? Abbott: No you don’t! You throw the ball to Who! Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That’s different. Costello: That’s what I said. Abbott: You’re not saying that. Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally? Abbott: You throw it to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That’s it. Costello: That’s what I said! Abbott: Listen, you ask me. Costello: I throw the ball to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Now you ask me. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That’s it. Costello: Same as you! Abbott: You just changed them around. Costello: Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the
guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throw’s it to what, what throw’s it
to I don’t know, I don’t know throw’s it back to tomorrow, triple play! Abbott: Yes. Costello: Another guy gets up, and it’s a long fly ball to because. Why? I
don’t know, he’s on third, and I don’t give a darn! Abbott: Oh…What? Costello: I said, I don’t give a darn! Abbott: Oh, that’s our short stop. Costello: (Fumbles
words loudly) |