As performed by
Bud Abbott
Lou Costello

from the film "BUCK PRIVATES"

A: Attention!
(fellow privates fall into attention, but Costello gives a wave and smile to Abbott)
A: Never mind that.
C: That's my pal. A big man, the captain
A: Wipe that smile off your face! Wipe it off!
(Costello does so, then begins to mumble)
(Costello mumbles)
A: QUIET! Whaddya doing?
C: I'm talking to myself
A: Well don't talk so loud!
C: I gotta hear what I gotta say!
A: QUIET! Countoff!
C: 1
Soldier 1: 2
Soldier 2: 3
Soldier 3: 4
A: Now you behave yourself! I won't warn you again! Get your chins out (slaps Costello's face) Get your chest out! Stick out your chest! (Slaps Costello's Chest. Costello wheezes) Throw your chest out!
C: I ain't done with it yet!
A: Quiet! Right Shoulder ARMS!
(Wile soldiers 1, 2, and 3 all perform the manuver, Costello throws his gun over his right shoulder)
A: Come on, Pick it up!
C: I thought I had it!
A: Pick it up!
C: Allright
A: Come on come on snap into it!
C: What's the matter? You a big man now? The Captain?
A: Quiet! Order arms!
C: I'll have a cap pistol.
A: You keep quiet! I won't warn you again.
C: Allright
A: Allright!
C: Pick on somebody else
A: Right shoulder ARMS!
(Costello puts it on his left shoulder)
A: I said Right shoulder arms, that's your left shoulder!
C: I'm left-handed
A: Get it over!
(Costello reluctantly starts but reverts back)
A: GET IT OVER THERE! Get it over there!
(Costello puts the gun on his Right shoulder)
A: Left shoulder Arms, Right shoulder Arms, Left shoulder Arms, Right Shoulder Arms, Left...
(As he says this, the soldiers keep up, but Costello can't, throws his gun on the ground and says)
C: Make up yer mind will ya?
A: Get back there, Come on!
C: (imitating Abbott) Left shoulder arms, right shoulder arms
A: QUIET! Do as your told! Order Arms!
C: (imitating Abbott) Left Shoulder...
A: QUIET! Present ARMS!
(Again, the soldiers pull off the manuver, but Costello throws the gun at Abbott)
A: I don't want it (Throws it back, but Costello throws it at Abbott again) I DON'T WANT IT!
C: (Offering it to the soldier beside him) You want it?
A: Put it up there! Get it up!
(missing from tape, but included for logisitical reasons)
A: Right shoulder arms!
(end of missing part)
A: Right FACE!
(Lou gets hit in the back of the head with the gun of the soldier beside him)
A: Come on, Come on! Left Face, Boys! (Soldiers return to previous position) Turn with the rest of 'em.
C: The guy hit me!
A: Well, turn with the rest of 'em. Pick up your gun. Right FACE!
(Lou gets hit again and drops his gun)
A: Oh, COME ON! Left face. (Soldiers return to previous positions) Pick up that gun, Now do as your told, turn with the rest of 'em.
(Lou picks up his gun)
A: Right FACE! (lou is hit again) Right Face! Forward March!
(As the three soldiers march with Abbott, Costello Marches the other direction)
A: HALT! HALT! Where are you going?
C: I dunno I dunno.
A: You don't know? Well get with it!
C: What time is it?
A: None of your business!
C: Nevermind.
A: About face! Forward March!
(As costello and the soldiers pass each other, Costello waves)
C: Hello fellas.
C: (to soldiers) You guys are goin the wrong way!
A: Will you get in line, here?
C: I dunno you got me in this mess brother.
A: Get a load of this...(rapid) Right face! Forward March! HALT! (end of rapid) Right face! Forward March! (Wait until Costello is lined up with other soldiers) HALT! (Costello is stopped mid stride)
Right face! Forward March! (Costello bumps into other soldiers) HALT! Get a load of this....LEFT FACE!
C: (Costello turns slowly) Ahhhh...gently!
A: (Holds Costello around the waist) RIGHT FACE! RIGHT FACE!
C: (Unable to move) Whew! Boy what a time we had with them three.
(As costello marches, his belt falls down around his ankles and trips him up)

*Routine provided by Josh Wilson of Pittsburgh, PA